


If I Only Could

by maywemeetagainlove



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Book: New Moon, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:08:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21711964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maywemeetagainlove/pseuds/maywemeetagainlove
Summary: AU Mid-New Moon, JPOV. If Jacob somehow knew what was bound to happen in the end of the story, would he change his fate? Or would he allow everything to happen the same way?
Relationships: Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Kudos: 9





	If I Only Could

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.  
>   
> All quotes in bold and italics are from the books. All quotes in bold are solely from New Moon and indicate a memory/part of dream.

Flashes. 

Purple splotches on creamy skin.

Bone-chilling Screams.

Snarls.

Sickening cracks.

Pain.

A heartbeat.

A strong pull. Remarkably strong. Gravity shifting.

An angry growl.

Another crack.

A pained yelp.

A sickeningly sweet melodic voice.

_**"Is the protection of our world worth perhaps the loss of some of our number?"** _

An agonized whisper.

Small fingers gripping russet fur tightly.

_**"I love you, too, Jake. You'll always be my best man."** _

Another sickening crack. This time accompanied with the sound of metal being torn apart.

Red.

Blood.

A sea of blood.

A sea of red...

Pain...

Agonizing, blinding pain...

A howl that rips through the soul and echoes into the night. An anguished howl that not even the tiniest of hands can assuage.

Once the howl is gone, the hole is there. It burns. Burns...burns just like...

_**"Love you, Jacob."** _

More red. An ear-splitting scream. Another crack. Pain. A bright light.

A click resounds in the air, echoing.

My eyes flip open and I gasp, jumping to my feet. I meet my dad's sunken eyes as I take in the scene before me.

_**"Sorry. Did we wake you?"** _

I'm still a little confused, disoriented from what I had just seen. Before I can respond, I hear a wail behind me. _**"Oh, no, Billy!"**_

My heart stops as I recognize that voice. She's...alive? I can't bear to look. Not until I know this isn't some sick dream I'm having.

I rush to my father and grab his hand. It feels real. He looks up at me with such grief, I can't understand...

And then I hear her whisper, _**"I'm so sorry."**_

My eyes widen a little and finally I turn to look at her, absentmindedly walking along with Sam, who is pushing my father into the house as I hold onto his hand. After what I've just seen, there's no way I'm letting go of him anytime soon. I may be acting like a five year old, refusing to release Daddy's hand because he's scared of the monsters in his closet, but those monsters are all too real for me. Hell, if my mom were still here, I'd crawl into her lap, probably crushing her, and let her try to rock me and soothe me to sleep like she used to. I don't care; the guys can make fun of me all they want. I'll endure it for years, the rest of my natural life if I have to, just as long as what I just experienced is only a nightmare. Some sick freakish foreshadowing nightmare or something. Something I never have to suffer through again.

When I see her, my breath catches in my throat. She looks pale. Well, paler than normal. No, pale is a nice way of putting it. She looks horrible, almost like death had claimed her like I initially thought. It takes a minute but it all comes flooding back.

The cliff, the water, her bloodcurdling scream, beating life back into her, my joy and relief at seeing she was alive, carrying her up here, getting her my clothes, falling asleep beside her...

But her heart is beating strongly. I can hear it. I pray to whoever's listening that this is true, this is real, and not some cruel trick of fate. I don't want this to be one of those lucid, realistic dreams, where it's vivid and real, only to wake up and horrifyingly find out it's not. Because if it's not, I'm phasing and running the hell away, never to come back. And that's only if I somehow survive going back to that hellish world. I'm pretty sure I won't. No. I know I won't.

And then it hits me. Harry...

As if to confirm my thoughts, my dad speaks again. _**"It's gonna be hard all around."**_

I hear her ask about her dad and mine tells her he's at the hospital or something. I'm not really listening, though. I barely hear Sam leave. 

I don't mean to be so cold and selfish. I do care. Harry was a good friend of my father's, a good man. It's a profound loss not only to us but the community. It's hard to imagine he won't be coming by to pick up Billy for fishing trips anymore or ask me how it's going with the Rabbit or if I like any of the girls in school. Death has never been easy for me. Even though it surrounds me, surrounds all of us, on a daily basis, I still have a hard time accepting it. I can never reconcile it in my head. I'm going to miss Harry.

But even Harry would shudder at the images that have been burned onto my brain in the last twenty minutes. If, I pray, it has truly been twenty minutes. And not another day in the so-called hellish existence I left behind in sleep.

My dad yanking his hand out of mine jerks me from my thoughts. He doesn't even look at me. He just rolls down to his room and shuts the door.

I know he's upset. I know I should be here for him. And I will be. Once I sort through all this chaos in my head. 

I'll give him his space. He's a very stout, proud man. When my mom died, he never once cried in front of us kids. So, I know he just wants some time alone.

I tear my eyes from the kitchen where he had disappeared into and bring them to rest on Bella.

_God, please let her be real. Please._

I make my way to the couch and sit down on the floor next to her. I put my head in my hands, still trying to convince myself that it was only a dream, only a nightmare. That I'm okay and I'm right here, in my home, safe, with Bella, who's also safe. And _alive_.

I feel her little hand begin to rub my shoulder. It feels good but I can't help myself. I have to know. I grab it gently and bring it to my cheek.

My heart races. Her hand is ice cold but there's still warmth there, still softness. Her pulse is there, throbbing in her wrist. Her scent encases me and fogs my senses. I hear her slow, steady breathing next to me. _Thank you, God._ She's alive. And real. I feel her with my own hand, my own skin. _Thank you._

 _ **"How are you feeling? Are you okay? I probably should have taken you to a doctor or something."**_ I can't help but sigh in relief at being able to ask her such a normal question again. Well, not again, because that was all a dream, but still. Those images are still haunting me and the feelings they evoked are very real. The _fear_ is very real.

 _ **"Don't worry about me."**_ Her voice could put the heaviest smoker to shame.

I can't resist turning to look at her. It's hard enough fighting the urge to pull her into my arms and hug her tightly, keeping her safe there for the rest of our lives. Granted, it would make showering and eating and going to school awkward, but hey, it could work. I see how hollow and sunken in her eyes are, how truly devoid her skin is of any of its natural color. _**"You don't look so good."**_

She doesn't disagree with me. _**"I don't feel so good, either, I guess."**_

I want nothing more than to tell her to lay back down and I'll take care of her but I know this can't be. With everything happening with Harry, Charlie would want her home. Plus, I needed some time to run, to work through everything I had seen in my mind. That was no ordinary nightmare. No freakin' way. I needed...to talk to Sam. Definitely. He would be able to tell me what was going on. More than just my never ending fear of Bells being turned into a bloodsucker was at play here. There were names and details that I could never have come up with in my wildest imaginings. Something's not right, I can feel it. I definitely need to talk to Sam.

I offer to go get her truck and drive her home. She really is in no condition to drive herself. Not that I'm willing to let her out of my sight just yet. I'm still a little shaken up.

Once I get the truck warmed up and ready to go, I run inside and help her off the couch. She's so weak and her body is exhausted. I can tell. Definitely a good call on letting me drive. I get her in and hop into the driver's side. I immediately pull her against me, letting my unnatural body heat warm her up. God, she's so cold. Even at 108 degrees, I can feel the chill that has swept through her body, leaving it to turn to ice. I shiver at the word. Thankfully, she doesn't notice it, just rests her head against my chest.

She asks me how I'm going to get home. I tell her we still have a bloodsucker to track down so I'm not going home right away. I can tell she doesn't like that. But, if it's because the redhead's after her and she doesn't want us in danger as she keeps telling me or if it's because she hates the term, I don't know. Knowing Bella, it's probably a little bit of both. Leave it to her to worry about being all PC with the bloodsuckers while she's being hunted down by one, intent on killing her. That's Bella. She drives me nuts sometimes but what can I say? I love the girl.

The rest of the drive is quiet after that. I hate it, because it gives me more time to go over the images I long to forget just as fast as they had been thrust upon me. I find myself holding her a little tighter, as if that Cullen leech would somehow magically appear, tear the door open, yank her from me and vanish with her into thin air. I tighten my arm around her further. 

Not on my watch.

We pull up to her house and I turn the truck off. I can see Charlie isn't home yet. I can't help myself. I wrap my other arm around her and draw her in even closer to me. God, I love her. She really scared the crap out of me today with her little stunt. I could have killed her for that. Before the nightmare from hell, that had been the absolute worst I had ever felt. It was right up there with when my mom died. But...this was so much worse. Hard to say that, but it's true. I love this girl and if something ever happened to her... I wish she would let me in, more than she is, and let me help her, let me fix her. I can take care of her. I can make her happy. If she would just let me...

 _ **"Sorry. I know you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bells. I swear I don't mind. I'm just so glad you're okay I could sing---and that's something no one wants to hear."**_ I can't help but laugh, thinking back to the ride down to Hoquiam a while back. When we were deciding who was oldest, singing came up on the list of skills. Neither of us had that talent, as we had painfully and embarrassingly found out. We had a good laugh about it afterwards, though. It was worth it. To see her smile, hear her laugh, genuinely for once. I'd get up on a stage and croak out any song thrown at me, yes even that stupid party song by Miley Cyrus (it had been the only one I could think of at the time! it wasn't my fault Bella's radio had mysteriously imploded and jumped out of the dash when Bella tried to touch it. Come to think of it, Bella had probably tried to sing at some point and the radio pulled itself out and jumped out of the car of its own volition), if it brought _that_ smile to her face. Thankfully, she had never requested that of me and after my initial performance in this old Chevy, she never would.

I hear her breathing pick up and I just know it's in response to what I had said. _Good job, Jake. You both have had one hell of a day and now you're just making it worse. Good job._ Even though I know I shouldn't push it, I can't resist. I lay my cheek down on top of her head, feeling her somewhat damp hair against my skin. God, what I wouldn't give to kiss her. Just once. I wish I could get her to forget that damn leech and see me as something more than a friend. Just once.

My thoughts must have betrayed me because in the next second, I feel her tense against me. _Great. You're just making this better and better, Jake. I'm such a freakin' idiot!_ I let her go, not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable or push her in any way. She's been through enough today without me pushing her. I don't mean to, it's just so hard keeping myself in the friend zone sometimes. Especially, when I can tell she needs me. And right now, I know, she needs me. For whatever reason, she does. But, not in the way I need her. Not yet.

Someday she will, though. Someday. I just know it. But until then, I've got to be good. Man, I hate being good sometimes.

I open the door and that's when it hits me, clear as day. Bloodsucker! Bella asks me what's wrong while I'm starting the car and I, not even thinking, just tell her. I'm having a hard time choosing what to do here, I'm shaking so badly with the need to phase. I should get her somewhere safe but if that red-headed bitch is back and we have a chance to finish this once and for all, then Bella would be safe forevermore. I look up, silently cursing myself for how frightened she is. Her eyes make the decision for me. I put the truck in reverse and get the hell out of there.

All was going according to plan and I was going to get Bella back to my house and phase, getting Sam and the others to come back and finish the bitch off. That is, until I heard Bella yelling at me to stop.

_**"What?!"** _

_**"It's not Victoria. Stop, stop! I want to go back."** _

I slam on the brakes as I stare at her in horrifying disbelief. Was she freakin' insane? Oh wait, this is Bella we're talking about. Still, what the hell? I'm not bringing her back to be delivered like a willing midnight snack. She has to be insane. I love her but she is insane. 

_**"What?"** _

_**"It's Carlisle's car! It's the Cullens. I know it."** _

No. Freakin'. Way.

This is not happening. No, she's wrong. It's some sort of a trick the redhead concocted in her sick little vampire brain. It's no secret, the close affinity Bella shared with the "vegetarian" bloodsuckers. That's how that leech got Bella mixed up in all this in the first place. The way the redhead would feint and run and test the Pack's defenses, I wouldn't put this past her. It's what I would do.

But, Bella seems dead set on it. And that...infuriates me. After all of this time, after the way those bloodsuckers abandoned her, left her here to die, after everything, she's just willing to go back, dump us all, and act like nothing happened? She _is_ fucking insane! And she's even crazier if she thinks I would let that happen.

I don't even realize how bad the tremors have gotten until Bella tells me to calm down. I look and sure enough, she's right. I take a minute to force the wolf back down. I cannot phase with her here in the car. It would hurt her, if not kill her. One flash of Emily's marred face running through my mind puts things back into perspective quickly for me. No matter how much Bella is pissing me off right now, I can't hurt her. I could never do that. I love her too much.

_**"There's a vampire in your house. And you** _ **want** _**to go back?"** _

_Calm, Jake. Calm. Try to be understanding, come on._

She looks at me like I'm the insane one, for asking such a ridiculous question.

_**"Of course."** _

_Of course._ I can feel the last binds of my self-control snapping. What is with this girl and the leeches? Why does she love them so much? Why can't she just see them for what they are: soulless demons that suck blood out of people? I mean, if a shark is swimming in a giant fish tank, you don't dive in and swim up to it and make friends, do you? No! If you happen to fall in, you get your ass out of that tank and fast. You don't keep going back for more. 

I can see the clear determination on her face. Does she need to be medicated? Maybe I should talk to Charlie about this...

And to think, after all this time we were protecting her, keeping her safe, putting our asses on the line and the minute these bloodsuckers roll back into town (unless it's the psycho redhead) she just ups and leaves us? _Jake, she's not leaving you or abandoning you. Way to overreact, man._ The thing that hurts most is her willingness to run back to _him_. Does she really think I don't know what's going on inside of that head of hers right now? It's written all over her face. Her beautiful face...

I force myself to take a breath. _**"You're sure it's not a trick?"**_

_**"It's not a trick. It's Carlisle. Take me back!"** _

_**"No."** _

There was no way in hell I was taking her back there. No way. She started to say something else and I was about to cut her off and harshly tell her to take herself back if she wanted to go so bad when a memory hit me. 

**"No. Take yourself back, Bella."**

**"Bye,** **Bella. I really hope you don't die."**

I winced at my viciousness. Holy shit, it was fucking deja vu all over again. No, no. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. I mean, I still had to talk to Sam about it but… And then it hit me again. Everything in the past half hour that had taken place had happened within the dream. I wasn't exactly sure, but it was almost word for word. Why didn't I see it before? Was this the part where I left Bella, like an ass (which I regretted later), and then saw her the next day before Harry's funeral? Where it turned out to be the littlest Cullen leech? 

I know I have to talk to Sam, tell him a Cullen is back, but I have to make sure first. If this is some weird ass case of deja vu out of the Twilight Zone, I'm not about to make the same mistake twice.

"No."

"Jake, dammit. I'll get out and walk back!"

She opens the door, intent on making good on her threat, when I grab her and pull her back in, effectively shutting the door again.

"Alright. Alright. I'll take you back. But on one condition."

Bella stares at me in shock.

"I'll take you back but you have to promise me something."

She nods once.

"I go in to check it out first. I can't risk you getting hurt. If it's someone other than the Cullens, I want you to gun it out of there and don't look back. Head straight to La Push and don't stop for anything or anyone. You got me?"

Her mouth drops open. "Jake--"

"Bells, I'm trying to work with you here. You can't ask me not to do this. You say you're sure it's not a trick but you don't really know. So, let me check things out. If it's fine and one of them, I'll come back out and get you. Okay?"

"You'd do that?” She whispers it, almost disbelievingly. I can hardly believe it myself. But if this dream is somehow freakishly coming true, then I need to do things right. While I have the chance. I will not let what happened to her in the dream happen to her here. No fucking way.

I give her a short nod, taking a deep breath.

She stares at me for the longest time and for the first time, I can't read her expression. Whatever's going on in that brain of hers (which I'm pretty sure is short circuiting along with mine with all of this crazy crap), she's keeping it well hidden from me.

"I don't want you to get hurt, Jake."

I give her a small smile. "You said you're sure it's not a trick, right?"

She nods.

"Then I'll be fine."

She stares at me again, not making a sound.

"Bells, I'm growing old here." Well, okay, not really. But she doesn't need to know that. Yet.

She blinks once. "Are you sure?"

"You really want to see if it's one of _them_?"

She slowly nods once more.

"Alright, then. Let's do it."

I ease off the brakes and make a U-turn, driving down the road, and then pulling back in front of the house.

We both sit there, staring.

I hear her breathing grow rougher than it had been previously and I glance over to see she has an arm around her chest. Goddammit. See, this is exactly why she doesn't need _them_ back in her life. They don't have to be feeding from her to be sucking the life out of her. Filthy bloodsuckers!

I reach over and cover her free hand with mine. "Hey."

She turns to face me, panic, excitement, and fear all staring back at me.

"Remember what I told you. If something happens, I'll be phasing and howling for back-up. You hear that, you get out of here. Promise?"

She bites her lip but nods her agreement. "Okay."

I squeeze her hand and then open the door to get out.

"Jake!"

I turn at her worried yelling of my name.

"Please be careful."

I flash her my signature smile, the one she loves, the one that always puts her at ease. "Always am, honey. I'll see you in a minute. Lock the door."

I shut the door and she pushes the lock down, staring at me helplessly frightened.

I face the house and start heading up the walk, slowly, cautiously. Amazing, the girl was tougher than nails a mere minute ago when she wanted to come back here, virtually unafraid of anything. But the moment I, a werewolf fully capable of taking care of myself against these monsters more than she is, take her place, she's scared out of her wits, not so sure anymore that it's one of _them_. Amazing.

Or maybe it's not them she doesn't trust. Maybe it's me she's worried about. Maybe she's worried I'll hurt her precious Cullens. Oh, if only I could. Well, if they even think of trying to take her from me, they'll regret it, treaty be damned. But until then, I was on their territory and an unwelcome visitor at that. Sam would have my ass if I fucked with the treaty. Speaking of which, I need to get a fucking cell phone. That would come in real handy right about now. Fuck.

I push all other thoughts out of my head as I get closer to the steps. I inhale that putrid, disgusting scent, and as expected, my nostrils are on fire. But, I can tell, the bloodsucker's in the front of the house. The stench gets stronger and stronger with each step I take. When I'm at the door, it nearly knocks me over. The leech is right there, next to the door. I can hear it. Perfect for an ambush. 

My jaw clenches when I think about how I was going to let Bella come back here on her own. _Stupid!_

But this is no time for kicking my own ass. I hear the leech move again, getting closer to the door. It knows I'm here. It can smell me. It might not know what I am, but it hears my heart pounding and the blood rushing through my veins.

The only bit of relief I get in this moment is I know it's not the redhead. I know her scent, just like the rest of the Pack does, and this isn't it. I half hope it's the littlest Cullen leech from the dream so Bella will be safe. I also hope that it isn't the leech so Bella will definitely be safe. Either way, I'm fucked.

The tremors are rocking through my body now. The wolf wants out. Now. I quickly and quietly step to the side and turn the knob. 

It's locked! It's fucking locked! Shit, I had left the keys with Bella in the truck. Fuck! Oh well, sorry Charlie.

I give it one swift hard twist and the lock breaks. I kick it open, back down a couple of steps, and crouch down, ready to phase at any second. I can't worry about neighbors who might see or hear me right now. Bella is what matters most.

Nothing comes out or even moves as the door slams back into the wall, leaving the house wide open. I wait and still nothing. I'm nearly phased as it is. I can still smell it. The stench is overwhelming me. It's still there. But even with my sharp senses, I can't see the leech.

I let out a ferocious growl. The wolf's starting to take over. I have to make it fast. I might need to phase on the fly, pin this leech down so Bella can get away.

"You have three seconds to come out here. If you don't, we'll go in there and rip you to shreds, Cullen or no."

I wait the allotted time, realizing it can't be the Cullens. Just as I lift my shaky hand to wave Bella away, the leech appears near the doorway. It stays in the darkness where Bella can't see it. But I can see it just fine. In response, my body shakes so badly, if anyone saw me they would think I'm having a seizure. I feel the familiar heat start to pull into my spine but something stops me from completing the transformation.

The marble face sneers at me in disgust as it leans into a crouch. I can see the nose wrinkled. It obviously doesn't find my scent too appealing, either. But that's not what stops me.

What stops me is the golden butterscotch that's burning a hole into my face. It's barely there but I see it. 

I hear it snarl at me. "What do you want, dog?"

I growl back.

I was right. I'm fucked.

**Author's Note:**

> First written: 7/7/10  
> Re-edited: 11/24/19


End file.
